"You're my best friend"

Earlier today as I was helping my son put together the frayed-edged puzzle depicting Ernie bathing and Elmo brushing his teeth—for the fortieth time— when he turned to me with loving smile and said, "You are my Best friend."

He knocked the wind right out of me. I had to ask him what he said just so I could soak up every bit of love possible.

"You're my best friend Dadder."

Of course this was followed by big hugs and "I love you's". It was one of the sweetest moments of my life.

My son is growing up so fast. He is growing up an outstanding young man.

I am so proud to be his father. It thrills me to my very soul when he out of the blue turns to me and proclaims me to be his number one pal. I know it won't last long before he realizes that Dadders are not always going to be friends. We have to make the tough decisions. Dadders need to be able to show their sons how to distinguish from what is convenient and what is right. What is fun and what is responsible. That we may not always get what we want, but what we need and in the end we are better people because of it. The kind of choices that a friend, no matter how good, cannot make. And I can almost gaurantee he will not like some of the decisions I will make. They might not all be good I am learning too—just trying to stay a few steps ahead of him. It will be these times that Dadders need to have skin like a 'Rhinosaurus' so the trivial hate that he may feel towards me cannot hurt. And memories like an 'Elphint' to remember that he may not like me at that moment in time but he still loves me. Unconditionally. Forever.

So for now as he slumbers throught his afternoon nap, I am going to bathe myself in the glory of that memory. Re-enforce it by sharing my thoughts on this old blog so that I will hold on to it for the rest of my life.

I know that we will forever be best friends.

"Well it's alright, even if you're old and gray..."

I received good news last week...I was finally approved for unemployment compensation. After Five months of back and forth, contacting my State and local representatives, nasty letters and plenty of breaking down, I was elated to see some money in our account. Yippie!

Now I can go buy that sixty-inch plasma TV!

Kidding.

I can finally eat again.

Not kidding.

"I want to be sedated"

It is official. I have been denied Unemployment Compensation because I am attending school and according to the mediator who heard my appeal case, "unwilling to quit school to accept any job".

I just want to say that I will never again ask the State of Ohio, or any level of government for help.

I have worked hard since I was thirteen. I have always paid my taxes and been a good citizen. I have always done what is right and tried my best. The one time I swallow my pride and reach out for help and I get put through the ringer. Nice show State, nice show.

Four and a half months of fighting and appealing...down the drain.

FUCK!

I am not in a good mood right now. I think I am going to find some city workers and.....

"I want to hold your hand"

Hand

"You say it's your birthday....we're gonna have a good time"

Happy Birthday.

I love you Giddo.

"Can't say what I'm doing here, but I hope to see much clearer after living in the material world"

"I just want to say that I feel fine. Everything seems wrong. Nothing is so wrong that it can't be fixed. I actually feel better now than I have in a long time. It's been an amazing lesson in perseverance, dedication and patience.

I will succeed.

I recently read a good book called the Bhagavad Gita. And although I have no intention of becoming a practicing Hindu, I seem to have a clearer understanding of life now. It has calmed my soul and shown me a way to become more in touch with my Atman, if you will.

I also had a nice discussion with my Guitar instructor, who as well as being a brilliant guitarist is a Zen Buddhist. We talked about meditation, and so on....

I think it's the time in my life when I need to start finding my spiritual self."
2/19/09

I started to write the above post last month. I never published the post. I was wearing a mask of false bravado, trying to force myself to stay positive. I still am in a way trying to force myself to be positive. It's rather difficult.

Since then I have also read: "Man's search for meaning: An Introduction to Logotherapy", "Guatama Buddha in life and Legend", and am currently reading "Not always so: Practicing the true art of Zen."

I don't feel much like doing anything. I just feel kind of empty. Pixie keeps telling me that all I am posting is a bunch of depressing dribble. I don't care. This is my blog and my life that I am talking about. Right now it's mostly depressing dribble.

Our mini vacation in Chicago was very nice. We got to visit with G-Gi and Grandpa. G-tot was thrilled to see them and is still saying "Grampa, G-Gi!"

We went to the Burpee Natural History Museum in Rockford and saw T. Rex bones. G-tot is now crazy for dinosaurs.

Chicago was nice too. Pixie and I walked around took in the sites. Thanks to the generosity of my Uncle we had a great dinner at a quaint little Italian restaurant. Grandpa and G-Gi took us to the Cheese Cake Factory for dinner on Saturday. The rest of the time was enjoyed laying around in the hotel room.

I wish I would have had more money. There are a lot of people in the city who need help. I can't help but feel for them, and had I had the money I would have helped them. It always amazes me to see people carrying bags out of a store where a shirt costs five hundred dollars, and then completely ignoring the father and son standing ragged in the street asking for change so they can go eat a meal that isn't from a garbage can. Are these pretentious fashionistas desensitized to the plight of their fellow man because they see abject poverty all the time? Has their desire for the material world left them completely blind to what is happening around them? Are they just so shallow that they don't care? Am I just ignorant of how the world really behaves? Perhaps all the above.

All I know is that I can not give up. I will overcome. And when I do, I will make it part of my life's work to help my fellow man. Everyone needs help in one way or another.

Peace.

"Damned if you do, damned if you don't"

I lost my job almost two months ago.

I begrudgingly filed for unemployment because I am unable to find work.

After two months of waiting Unemployment has denied my claim because I am attending school and according to them 'unable to work a regular schedule in my chosen field'.

So basically because I am trying to better my self by obtaining a B.A and finding a career and not just a shitty job— which I am more than willing to work a shitty job around my school schedule, I am unable to receive unemployment compensation to help my family through this tough time. Now my family will suffer. We have no money and no prospects.

Thanks a lot state of Ohio...you can suck a fart out of my asshole.