"You're my best friend"

Earlier today as I was helping my son put together the frayed-edged puzzle depicting Ernie bathing and Elmo brushing his teeth—for the fortieth time— when he turned to me with loving smile and said, "You are my Best friend."

He knocked the wind right out of me. I had to ask him what he said just so I could soak up every bit of love possible.

"You're my best friend Dadder."

Of course this was followed by big hugs and "I love you's". It was one of the sweetest moments of my life.

My son is growing up so fast. He is growing up an outstanding young man.

I am so proud to be his father. It thrills me to my very soul when he out of the blue turns to me and proclaims me to be his number one pal. I know it won't last long before he realizes that Dadders are not always going to be friends. We have to make the tough decisions. Dadders need to be able to show their sons how to distinguish from what is convenient and what is right. What is fun and what is responsible. That we may not always get what we want, but what we need and in the end we are better people because of it. The kind of choices that a friend, no matter how good, cannot make. And I can almost gaurantee he will not like some of the decisions I will make. They might not all be good I am learning too—just trying to stay a few steps ahead of him. It will be these times that Dadders need to have skin like a 'Rhinosaurus' so the trivial hate that he may feel towards me cannot hurt. And memories like an 'Elphint' to remember that he may not like me at that moment in time but he still loves me. Unconditionally. Forever.

So for now as he slumbers throught his afternoon nap, I am going to bathe myself in the glory of that memory. Re-enforce it by sharing my thoughts on this old blog so that I will hold on to it for the rest of my life.

I know that we will forever be best friends.

"Well it's alright, even if you're old and gray..."

I received good news last week...I was finally approved for unemployment compensation. After Five months of back and forth, contacting my State and local representatives, nasty letters and plenty of breaking down, I was elated to see some money in our account. Yippie!

Now I can go buy that sixty-inch plasma TV!

Kidding.

I can finally eat again.

Not kidding.

"I want to be sedated"

It is official. I have been denied Unemployment Compensation because I am attending school and according to the mediator who heard my appeal case, "unwilling to quit school to accept any job".

I just want to say that I will never again ask the State of Ohio, or any level of government for help.

I have worked hard since I was thirteen. I have always paid my taxes and been a good citizen. I have always done what is right and tried my best. The one time I swallow my pride and reach out for help and I get put through the ringer. Nice show State, nice show.

Four and a half months of fighting and appealing...down the drain.

FUCK!

I am not in a good mood right now. I think I am going to find some city workers and.....

"I want to hold your hand"

Hand

"You say it's your birthday....we're gonna have a good time"

Happy Birthday.

I love you Giddo.

"Can't say what I'm doing here, but I hope to see much clearer after living in the material world"

"I just want to say that I feel fine. Everything seems wrong. Nothing is so wrong that it can't be fixed. I actually feel better now than I have in a long time. It's been an amazing lesson in perseverance, dedication and patience.

I will succeed.

I recently read a good book called the Bhagavad Gita. And although I have no intention of becoming a practicing Hindu, I seem to have a clearer understanding of life now. It has calmed my soul and shown me a way to become more in touch with my Atman, if you will.

I also had a nice discussion with my Guitar instructor, who as well as being a brilliant guitarist is a Zen Buddhist. We talked about meditation, and so on....

I think it's the time in my life when I need to start finding my spiritual self."
2/19/09

I started to write the above post last month. I never published the post. I was wearing a mask of false bravado, trying to force myself to stay positive. I still am in a way trying to force myself to be positive. It's rather difficult.

Since then I have also read: "Man's search for meaning: An Introduction to Logotherapy", "Guatama Buddha in life and Legend", and am currently reading "Not always so: Practicing the true art of Zen."

I don't feel much like doing anything. I just feel kind of empty. Pixie keeps telling me that all I am posting is a bunch of depressing dribble. I don't care. This is my blog and my life that I am talking about. Right now it's mostly depressing dribble.

Our mini vacation in Chicago was very nice. We got to visit with G-Gi and Grandpa. G-tot was thrilled to see them and is still saying "Grampa, G-Gi!"

We went to the Burpee Natural History Museum in Rockford and saw T. Rex bones. G-tot is now crazy for dinosaurs.

Chicago was nice too. Pixie and I walked around took in the sites. Thanks to the generosity of my Uncle we had a great dinner at a quaint little Italian restaurant. Grandpa and G-Gi took us to the Cheese Cake Factory for dinner on Saturday. The rest of the time was enjoyed laying around in the hotel room.

I wish I would have had more money. There are a lot of people in the city who need help. I can't help but feel for them, and had I had the money I would have helped them. It always amazes me to see people carrying bags out of a store where a shirt costs five hundred dollars, and then completely ignoring the father and son standing ragged in the street asking for change so they can go eat a meal that isn't from a garbage can. Are these pretentious fashionistas desensitized to the plight of their fellow man because they see abject poverty all the time? Has their desire for the material world left them completely blind to what is happening around them? Are they just so shallow that they don't care? Am I just ignorant of how the world really behaves? Perhaps all the above.

All I know is that I can not give up. I will overcome. And when I do, I will make it part of my life's work to help my fellow man. Everyone needs help in one way or another.

Peace.

"Damned if you do, damned if you don't"

I lost my job almost two months ago.

I begrudgingly filed for unemployment because I am unable to find work.

After two months of waiting Unemployment has denied my claim because I am attending school and according to them 'unable to work a regular schedule in my chosen field'.

So basically because I am trying to better my self by obtaining a B.A and finding a career and not just a shitty job— which I am more than willing to work a shitty job around my school schedule, I am unable to receive unemployment compensation to help my family through this tough time. Now my family will suffer. We have no money and no prospects.

Thanks a lot state of Ohio...you can suck a fart out of my asshole.

"All I want is the truth. Just give me some truth."

According to Naynayfazz these are the rules I must adhere to:

A) You must write 10 honest things about yourself that are interesting.

Honest, sure. Interesting, most likely not.

B) Pass the award along to 7 other bloggers that you feel embody the spirit of Honest Scrap.

I don't even have seven real friends let alone seven online friends so this rule is going to be bent. Anyone who wants to participate in Honest Scrap may do so at their own free will.

Okay now that the formalities are over let's get this circus underway.

1. When I was a lower case JQ I was told that raisins were nothing more than cockroaches with their limbs removed. I have not eaten a raisin since that day. Thanks Matt.

2. My toes are referred to as beans. My house, my rules.

3. I once saw a movie called What the Bleep do we know? I was intrigued by the process of positive thinking and wanted to flex my positive thinking muscle. The next day I threw a set of three darts four times to see if I could will good shots. Out of those twelve darts thrown I scored eight bulls-eyes. Are you impressed? Me neither.

4. This one is horrible, but I have to rid myself of the guilt that has been tearing at my soul for so many years. Maybe by admitting this I will release the grip that negative karma seems to have over me as of late.
I once put a plastic baggy over my sister's cat's head. I do not remember my reasoning, I very seriously doubt there was a reason. Perhaps I was pretending he was the first feline astronaut to visit the moon. Perhaps a naughty feline with an extremely odd and dangerous fetish. Anyway, if that is not bad enough I forgot about the cat and found it some time later, laying like a heaving...well suffocating cat with a bag on his head. I promptly removed the bag. Ted E. Bear never forgave me. I have never forgiven myself either.

5. I like to stand in front of the mirror and brush my teeth. Shocking right?

6. I refuse to go through Pixie's purse. If I have to retrieve some article: a cell phone, car keys, an eight ball, it had better be laying comfortably on top of everything else. Lord knows I don't like to dig around for my crack ball.

7. I used to eat peanut butter and mayo sandwiches. Don't you judge me.

8. I prefer to continue ignoring the alarm that has been going off the entire time I have been writing this post. Let it beep all it wants. I don't care.

9. The truth is I may never really know what Willis was talking 'bout!

10. I let Pixie beat me at Risk five times in a row to let her feel good about herself. I could have won. I swear.

There you have it, ten truths about me. Aren't you sorry you asked Naynay?

Happy X-mas (war is over)

Merry Christmas!!

"Sometimes my life it feels like fiction..."

My first official semester as a student in the Music Education Program at our local University ended today. It was a great experience! I met scores of intelligent, talented people. I learned a lot about myself and my guitar. I got nervous, got excited, had a kick-ass recital with the Guitarkestra, and then learned more about who I really am.
My typical day consisted of getting G-man ready for the day, going to school, going to work, going back to school, getting G-man from daycare (every Monday and Wednesday), getting his dinner, bath and bedtime together, practicing 'till the wee hours of the morning and then doing the whole thing again the next day. I stayed up too late for months practicing and studying. I learned how to learn. I am learning (it's an on-going process) how to deal with incredible amounts of stress.
My relationship with my lovely wife has been stretched (don't worry we are okay).
My relationship with my family—my siblings and parental units— has become almost non-existent (don't worry we are okay).
I can play a major scale at least fifteen different ways on my guitar.
I can play any given chord at least two different ways.
I can actually read music now.
I can play the piano....a little.
I have only begun to scratch the surface of understanding my guitar and music.
I feel good about myself for not giving up.
I lost my job and became unemployed.
I need a job.
I turn 30 tomorrow.

I know I am rambling but I don't care. I just need to post something.

I am going outside for a cigarette and then down to my cave to practice until Pixie gets home.

"The times they are a changing"

I did not vote for him.

I do not agree with many of his policies.

But he is my president and I will support him.

Good Luck Obama.

"America the beauiful..."

America, stop being brainwashed!

People say that voting third party is a waste of time. I tell those people to blow it out their ass. If enough of us wake up and realize that we have more choices than just the Democrats and Republicans, we might have a hope maintaining what our forefathers intended: A glorious and free America. I do not want to see my nation become a failing superpower heading towards socialism; a nation of whiners who feel entitled to the American Dream without working towards that dream; who wait for Big Brother to tells us what to think and where to go. If what I say seems too radical, well it is radical. Just allow the Federal government to further strip your freedoms away under the guise of "We know what's best for you." Let the Federal government tax you on every concievable item. Bend over while they take away your freedom of choice, your freedom of speech, your right to bear arms, your privacy, your free enterprise, on and on and on and before you know what has happened we are all wearing brown jump suits and pledging allegiance to a camera that follows you around all day.

Okay that may be a little extreme, but you get the point right?

If you really want to make a change then vote...Libertarian.

That's right, Libertarian.

Sure the Libertarian party will not win this election, but if enough of us vote Libertarian, we will send a clear message to the assclowns on the hill that 'We the People' are tired of the two-party system. We will send the message that we want more personal responsibility and less government intrusion. We will send the message that we are paying attention and that we don't like what we see.

I know that I might be viewed as a loony for posting my eccentric political beliefs (am I crazy for not wanting to live off the governments teat? Am I crazy for not liking either of the candidates and therefore not settling for the lesser of two evils?), but in the immortal words of Pop-eye; "That's all I can stand and I can't stands no more!"

So this tuesday I will not waste my vote like millions of other sheople. To steal a platitude that both parties rely on; I will cast my ballot in the hope for real change.

If you have a right mind and have paid attention to both sides of the current political spectrum than you might just as well have come to this conclusion also. Anybody who is not a true Democrat might understand. And for the rest of you bleeding-hearts, just realize that the people can take care of themselves. We do not need a government to hold our hands. It is time to grow up and take responsibility for your own life. Take responsibility for your own government.

"Oh say can you see..."

Something of interest.

"There's something happening here..."

So the government bailed out AIG, just weeks after the Federal intervention of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

That scares the hell out of me.

To accomplish these unusual and severe tactics to secure stability of the market, the government is using close to two-hundred billion dollars of our tax money. In exchange for this assistance, the government is taking the lion's share of stock in these companies until the money is paid back.

I have a question. Since our tax dollars have bailed these companies out of the financial crisis that was created by corporate greed and the inability to foresee the near future of the economy, when will I be receiving my profit share check? After all we pay for the government; they use our money for every bullshit bureaucracy they create, and every hair-brained, pork-fat, asinine program they create and every palm they grease, and all the money they hand out to their friends and family. That is our money. Not theirs.

I have another question. How long is the average American — the majority of the population that pays for all this bullshit while trying to make ends meet (no, not the welfare junkies or the elitist rich)— going to put up with this ridiculous and rampant government spending? When will enough be enough? When gas is eight, nine, ten dollars a gallon? When the price of a gallon of milk is six or seven dollars? When you can't even afford to heat your house in the winter because some fat cat CEO and politician have decided to jack up the rates for their own interests?

Do you think John McCain or Barack Obama are going to change anything? You are delusional if you think that. I am not saying they won't try for the first month or so, but that is when the real leaders (congress) will pound any iota of change back into this unbalanced Parliament of Whores. And besides, they are all career politicians, they are part of the problem, not the solution.

If you care about this country, or the little bit of freedom you have left, then vote third party so we can abolish this perpetual two-party system. Or, grow some testicles and rise up against this tyrannical government and take back America.

Or just sit on your ass and be brainwashed by Hollywood, and wait for Big Brother (the personification of totalitarianism from the book 1984...not the shitty, mind-numbing, superficial t.v. show) to tell you what to do.

There, I feel better now.

"Nobody knows you, when you're down and out."

I started my classes yesterday.

I am not nervous, just excited. The classes and people are great! A myriad of people all there for the love of music. The workload seems a little overwhelming, but nothing a little organization and elbow grease can't handle. After all, I am just starting.
Okay, I am a little nervous about finances. I still feel selfish for going back to school, when I should be killing myself working to support my family. Well not killing myself but being a better provider than what I am now. I have not quit my job to become a full time student, I just took a small cut in pay. That doesn't mean I don't want to be a better provider, it's just taking me longer to get where I want to be. Working and fighting to realize one's aspirations is not easy...ever, but I implemented this plan months ago and will see it through to it's long, arduous end. Thank a seemingly omnipotent yet ambiguous personification of all our doubts and fears (GOD?, come on people it's not funny if I have to explain...) for Pixie's support, you are great baby!

Needless to say the old purse strings are going to be drawn even tighter. Living puts a strain on our income. Do you know how much money I could save if I didn't have to buy anything? Who really needs to purchase frivolous merchandise like deodorant, toothpaste, or toilet paper right? I just won't sweat, use my teeth to eat and wipe with my hand. Adding a child strains the income further; now I have to buy extra food and water and deodorant, not to mention diapers, wipes, lots and lots of milk and more diapers. Now throw a smaller budget and the inevitable mountain of student loans into the mix.
We don't mind staying at home eating a nice meal as opposed to going out to an upscale eatery like Del Taco, but because of my selfish acts, my family will have to cut out some of our lavish lifestyle, like eating generic brand everything—is there a generic brand for generic brands? We already eat Happy Circles instead of Cheerios, what's next Complacent Eclipses? And as far as me not eating lunch, I will have to skip breakfast and dinner as well.
Also no more turning on the lights at night. This might also make our eyes stronger which could led to a savings at the optometrist. Or we could make candles out of ear-wax—which, if we run low, might be a good way to met the neighbors.
And "If it is yellow let it mellow, if it is brown flush it down." will have to be changed to "If it is yellow or if it is brown, dig a hole in the ground." Not only would we not owe a huge $50 water bill four times a year, we could fertilize the front yard.
Showers will be reduced from every third day to every other week. I'm on the water saving kick. This might prove tricky if I stop buying deodorant.
In an effort to save electricity, I will no longer be using the Internet to post my blog. I will send out carrier pigeons every third Friday to keep you all informed of my happenings. You might be shocked that I would increase the frequency of my posts, but I have ulterior motives. Please feed them well and send them back, as I will eventually eat them.
I thought about becoming a gigolo, come on Fab, you know you want to.

In all seriousness though, my pay cut and G-man needing daycare, we are strapped. My only hope is to win the lottery....or slip and fall in one of the anchor stores of the area's new upscale mall. It's a long way to the mall, I better start thumbing.

What ways could you save money?

"All your compliments and your cutting remarks are captured here in my quotation marks "

I just realized that I have not been updating my Ten Books in 12 Months list. Well, I have thought about the list before but I am finally getting around to posting about it. I have not, however, forgotten about reading the books that I set out to read in order to accomplish my goal of ten books in twelve months, ya know like I had stated in the opening sentence of this paragraph, which depending on how fast you read was probably only a few seconds ago, or not as you very well might have grown tired of this blog and hit that little next button at the top of the page, in which case you are not here any longer and this sentence has become obsolete, course you would not know because you are not here anymore, so your loss. Okay now that we have that run-on out of the way here is a re-cap of my list:

1. George Harrison Biography/ Order of the Phoenix
I counted these two books as one, because I felt the Biography was a little too short to count as a book and the Potter book was—I thought at the time—a child's novel.
2. Half-Blood Prince
3. Deathly Hallows
You can see I changed my mind about the merit of the Potter series. They ended up being extremely entertaining. I will own these one day so that G-man can enjoy them as much as Pixie and I did.
4. Animal Farm
I think the last time I mentioned this list of books I was half-way through this book. Animal Farm was good the first time I read it, but better the second time. I said it before, but I will say it again...poor Boxer.
5. 1984
Same as Animal Farm so far as enjoyment factor. Also very scary when you think at how close these novels came in representing modern day government and society.
6. Journey to the Center of the Earth
Not as good as I thought it was going to be though it was a welcome break to the totalitarian theme of the past two books.
7. Fahrenheit 451
Okay, back to the future with another scary government-controlled-utilitarian-society novel. If you have never read this novel before, I implore you to give it a chance. Try and get the fiftieth anniversary edition that contains the afterword, coda and interview with Bradbury. He has some very poignant quotes.

I have no idea what the eighth book is going to be. I want to visit more classics, maybe even another Verne book—hey, I'll give him a second chance. If anyone has a favorite classic they wish to recommend then bring it on. I will entertain all ideas.

"Baby it's the guitar man"

Yesterday I went to a bar about twelve miles south of Toledo, in the quaint little town of Waterville for a bi-weekly open mic night. The bar was mostly empty save a few friends of the DJ/Guitar player there to sing and take turns playing. After consuming a pint of liquid courage I stepped up to the mic and performed the demo version of "Mystical One" from the George Harrison album Gone Troppo.

I was still to shy to sing, but the song is pretty and went over well. It was slightly odd not playing on my guitar—this guitar had very low action which I don't care for—so I went out to my truck and retrieved mine.

I quickly lost my nerves and paitently waited for my next turn. This time I did one of my songs, which recieved a pretty good response from my peers. I only have two verses to that particular song at this point but it felt good to play my music in public for people who are not personal friends of mine. That was to change quickly though as the two other guitar players, three singers and I hit it off. I sat in on every song after that. It was an interesting experience and a great exercise in some of the many areas that I need to work on including but not limited to: networking, playing outside of my comfort zone, putting my music out there (even if only to a mostly empty bar), and playing new-to-me music. Some songs I had never heard of, some I had never played, others I haven't played in a long time, but all the songs were fun. We went an hour and a half past the alloted time, but no one seemed to mind.

By the end of the night we were a little tipsy, a little from the drinks but mostly from the high of having fun playing music. Everyone was glad that I played and sang and seemed to be excited at the prospect of having a new person to jam with every other sunday. I felt very welcomed by the crowd and will most likely go back for the next jam. This has given me the motivation to try and find other open mic nights to play.

Living the dream.

"We're gonna have a good time"

Happy Birthday Pixie!

Over the years I have learned that one must be sensitive when discussing a woman's age. Therefore, I am not going to crack any jokes about how extremely old she will be. Nope, not even going to compare her age with that of soil. I do not want to be that person who takes a very serious matter like being "youthfully challenged" and drives the joke over the hill and into the ground.

So I will simply say many things become better with age: wine, investments, cheese. You are wise and tenured. Aged like a stinky cheese. And you know how much I love me some stinky cheese.

Wishing you all you would wish yourself. I love you baby!

"The wheels of fiction run in my mind"

The rusted cogs of a
Silent machine,
Have polished silver
Hidden beneath.

Screeching, squawking
And foofing smoke—
Now it works—that
machine ere was broke.

The squeaky wheel
That wanted grease now
Has sibilant slang sliding from
Its cheeks.

Rambling Man

Okay. So it has been over a month since my last post. I have been very busy as of late. I am going back to school to pursue a career in music—my life-long dream, concentrating on being a good father, trying to find another job that will work with my crazy school schedule, practicing my guitar, trying to record my songs, touching myself, shopping for tissues (I can just imagine my mother-in-law shaking her head), reading about other bloggers who are taking that first leap of faith in an effort to find happiness, questioning my sanity, extorting shop owners, building up courage and knocking down walls. I'm also getting around to painting the house and doing the garden.

I am so busy living life that I don't have time to write about it. Go figure.

How about a nice picture?


In other news I had to go buy a new glass slide for my guitar. I went to grab my guitar, forgot it was plugged into the midi-interface and the chord pulled the slide right onto the basement floor. Yeah, shattered into thousands of pieces, one of which lodged into the extremely calloused sole of my foot. I didn't realize this and when I went to scratch the top of my other foot I cut my toe open. Fun.

The fingers on my left hand are between an eighth and a quarter inch longer than the fingers on my right hand. Weird huh?

G-man is getting his pre-molars. He can be cranky.
He also just learned how to drink from a straw.

Okay, back to living. I'll be back later.