"Can't say what I'm doing here, but I hope to see much clearer after living in the material world"

"I just want to say that I feel fine. Everything seems wrong. Nothing is so wrong that it can't be fixed. I actually feel better now than I have in a long time. It's been an amazing lesson in perseverance, dedication and patience.

I will succeed.

I recently read a good book called the Bhagavad Gita. And although I have no intention of becoming a practicing Hindu, I seem to have a clearer understanding of life now. It has calmed my soul and shown me a way to become more in touch with my Atman, if you will.

I also had a nice discussion with my Guitar instructor, who as well as being a brilliant guitarist is a Zen Buddhist. We talked about meditation, and so on....

I think it's the time in my life when I need to start finding my spiritual self."
2/19/09

I started to write the above post last month. I never published the post. I was wearing a mask of false bravado, trying to force myself to stay positive. I still am in a way trying to force myself to be positive. It's rather difficult.

Since then I have also read: "Man's search for meaning: An Introduction to Logotherapy", "Guatama Buddha in life and Legend", and am currently reading "Not always so: Practicing the true art of Zen."

I don't feel much like doing anything. I just feel kind of empty. Pixie keeps telling me that all I am posting is a bunch of depressing dribble. I don't care. This is my blog and my life that I am talking about. Right now it's mostly depressing dribble.

Our mini vacation in Chicago was very nice. We got to visit with G-Gi and Grandpa. G-tot was thrilled to see them and is still saying "Grampa, G-Gi!"

We went to the Burpee Natural History Museum in Rockford and saw T. Rex bones. G-tot is now crazy for dinosaurs.

Chicago was nice too. Pixie and I walked around took in the sites. Thanks to the generosity of my Uncle we had a great dinner at a quaint little Italian restaurant. Grandpa and G-Gi took us to the Cheese Cake Factory for dinner on Saturday. The rest of the time was enjoyed laying around in the hotel room.

I wish I would have had more money. There are a lot of people in the city who need help. I can't help but feel for them, and had I had the money I would have helped them. It always amazes me to see people carrying bags out of a store where a shirt costs five hundred dollars, and then completely ignoring the father and son standing ragged in the street asking for change so they can go eat a meal that isn't from a garbage can. Are these pretentious fashionistas desensitized to the plight of their fellow man because they see abject poverty all the time? Has their desire for the material world left them completely blind to what is happening around them? Are they just so shallow that they don't care? Am I just ignorant of how the world really behaves? Perhaps all the above.

All I know is that I can not give up. I will overcome. And when I do, I will make it part of my life's work to help my fellow man. Everyone needs help in one way or another.

Peace.