You let me down today. What happened? I thought we had an understanding? We had a symbiotic relationship. I would put my refuse on the curb every Tuesday morning. You would drive by with your buddies and throw the trash into the back of your truck. Everyone was happy.
Remember when I gave you that Wurlitzer Organ? You threw your back out trying to hoist it into the truck. You had to have two people help you load it. Remember how the only note it would make after you smashed it with your compressor was B flat? Those were good times. Why? Why did you forsake me? Was it something I said? Was it the overstuffed bags? The dirty diapers? The body parts?
This morning you only took two-thirds of my garbage. I left you three nice bags, not too heavy but not light enough to insult your manhood. Three perfect little bags. But you only thought two of them were good enough to haul to your magical trash kingdom. The third and smallest of the bags—I called him shorty— was still there when I left for work.
I was going to call you and inquire if you were alright, if maybe you were mad at me, but I decided to let you cool off for a while. You'll come back when you are ready.
Trash man, if you can hear me, I'm sorry. Please come back. We miss you.
Asshole.
What are you looking at?
- JQ
- Dashing, heroic, able to leap small obstacles with the aid of a step ladder; yes JQ makes a great stocking stuffer or accessory to any couch. Take one home today—your Mom will be glad you did!
9 comments:
My trashman dumps half the shit all over the street in front of my driveway. Especially if there are nails or screws in the trash can. Fucker.
What else should I expect from Waste Mafia?
You know, you catch more flies with honey than you do with...wait...I guess the garbage would catch a lot of flies, too...
Nobody—Same thing applies here as at the restaurant; just smile and say thank you.
DutchBitch— I think I need an example to really know what you are talking about.
Mr. Fabulous—Holy shit! Had I known you were coming over I would have cleaned up the place.
B-flat! Ha.
Our garbage men rule. We have a city ordinance that says our trash must go in cans. Our neighbor just throws a pile of trash on the end of her driveway every Thursday night. When the raccoons get to it (and they usually do), and spread it all over the street, our guys go around and pick it up. They're getting a Christmas present from me, if I can afford it. Trust me, it always pays to tip your trashman.
T.F— From now on I think I might have to start tipping them. They always seem to get something wrong— or maybe I am just picking a fight in lieu of of not smoking.
If trash falls on the street in our neighborhood, the trash man leaves it. If a bag breaks, he leaves it. Sometimes he only empties half the can.
But we do have a 16 bag limit. Perhaps yours is only a 2 bag limit?
Lynda—I'm totally jumping in here but so be it. We have UNLIMITED pickup here and have recently had to start PAYING for garbage pickup. There is no excuse for leaving the bag. Plus, it was a tiny half bag that we (and by we I mean JQ) only took out because it was trash day. It could have stayed under the sink and been filled had I known it was just going to end up in our garage for a week.
I would call them, then, especially if it keeps happening. We had to do that a few times with our recycling service, which also does our garbage. A supervisor would come out and pick it up, usually.
I was just being a bit sarcastic with the 2 bag limit comment. ;) (Doesn't always come across in type, dang it!) Mostly because of our lazy garbage people.
I called and complained. I await their retaliation.
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