Turkeys hiding in trees

Little known fact: I can speak turkey. Well really it is a form of Jive Turkey.

Gobblizzo my Nizzo.

Alright I can't really speak turkey. But I do like to eat turkey. Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I am excited. It is my first Thanksgiving as a father. From now on, I am the one who carves the turkey. Unfortunately we are having a Turkey Tenderloin. I didn't know they had tenderloins. Maybe if I spoke their language they could have told me. All the same, I'm going to carve it as if it were a real bird. Mmmm, turkey.

I love food, especially at Thanksgiving. I think my favorite thanksgiving food is pumpkin pie, with lots of whipped cream on top. It's amazing that I am not three hundred pounds. I bet Pixie would love that.

Boy, I am kinda rambling here. I was going to talk about the Native Americans, the pilgrims and the genocide of an entire nation, but I didn't want to offend any Christians out there.

Instead let's talk turkey facts.

Turkeys are not from Turkey as one might suspect. The modern "American" turkey that we all love and enjoy the fourth Thursday of every November is actually from northern Mexico.
Make sure your turkey has a green card.

Turkeys are practical jokers by nature. Their favorite trick is to sneak up on unsuspecting victims and slice their Achilles tendon. Not funny turkeys. Not funny.

I once had a pet turkey, his name was Gravy. I couldn't bear to eat him so I begged Mr. Lincoln to pardon him and then put him in the Turkey Protection Program. That is the true story behind the Presidential Pardoning of Turkey's.

Turkeys love to sleep around. Male Turkeys are called "Toms" or "Pimps". Female Turkeys are called "Hens", "Bitches", or sometimes "Ho's".

Turkeys can and do have heart attacks. Farmers would be wise to feed them cheerios to help lower their cholesterol.

It only takes fifteen months for a turkey to be considered mature. I'm 28 years old and still waiting.

For more fun turkey facts visit the Turkey Zealots of North America, or "Gobblers" as they like to be referred to.

I hope everyone has a great day of Thanks. I would like to end this blog transmission by saying what I am thankful for. I am thankful for my family, boobs, spatulas, origami, guitars, cheese (even the processed kind TF), Industrialization in the eighteenth century, florescent light bulbs, Macintosh computers, Sandra Boynton books, toenail clippers, outer space, inner light, toilet paper, music, the color blue and the letter H.

Gobble-dee-goo.

Over.