"I've been down so goddamn long that it looks like up to me."

Not a lot of exciting news to report on this end. I finished the Harry Potter series last Saturday and am currently half-way through "Animal Farm". I should have finished the book already, but I don't feel like reading right now. In fact, I don't feel like doing much of anything.

The job search is not going so good. Either I am under-qualified, or lacking the experience, or unwilling to take the job. I got an offer from a distant family member to work in a metal plating facility. It's not what I want to do with my life. The money is equal to what I am making right now (peanuts) but the job is highly unfavorable. I would run an automated line that dips various metal objects in a series of giant vats of cleaning solutions and finally in liquid aluminum, Teflon, or whatever else. Among the chemicals used in the process are cyanide and other lethal agents. The factory stunk and was loud. Yeah, no thanks.

I have found one job to apply to since then; that was over a week and a half ago and I still haven't heard from them, which is a little odd because I have plenty of experience and seem to be an ideal candidate for the job. Oh well.

It's impossible to do what I really want and make money at it. Playing music and writing actually involves doing these things and marketing my skills. One, when I do find a few minutes to actually achieve any writing or recording I am too depressed to write or play. It's hard for me to make the time because I feel that if I don't spend every waking minute with G-man I am being a neglectful father or that I am sticking the burden of raising him solely on Pixie. Two, I am not, nor have I ever been, the kind of person to market myself, which is kind of important in achieving the things I want to do. I am not anti-social but I have zero confidence and almost no self-esteem, so who would want to listen to or read my crap?

So I can't do what I want — which depresses me — and I have to work I job I don't care for (more like can't stand) anymore to pay the bills— which compounds the depression.

I am not having a good time and am finding myself struggling to not become depressed and drink and smoke heavily. I am becoming increasingly irritable which makes me feel like shit because I lash out at people who don't deserve to be treated poorly.

Meanwhile it seems that everyone around me is doing great; getting promotions, raises, bonuses, so on and so forth. I am happy for them but am asking "When is it going to be my turn to have something good (financially or job-related) happen?" I know I am blessed with a great son and wonderful wife, but why can't I find a good job doing something that I love? 'When lord, when's gonna be my time?'

Fuck. I feel so flustered, I don't even know what to complain about. Enough of my whining though, who wants to read that shit? I certainly don't want to write it, but I have to have some outlet, right?

The last thing I want is a bunch of people telling me to stay positive and all that jazz. I don't want your sympathy. How about finding me a job.



Did I mention G-man took a small unassisted step the other day? He is amazing! I have mixed emotions about this event. On one hand I think it's great that he will be walking soon. It's so exciting to watch him grow; discovering his surroundings and new abilities everyday. On the other hand I am not ready for him to grow up, nor is the house completely child-proof. Time to go the the hardware store, get some deer fencing and build him a cage.