Breathe, Breathe in the air...

It is 6:27 a.m. I have been awake for a half an hour and already have the urge to smoke a cigarette. This urge will continue to plague me all day, constantly in the back of my thoughts. Taunting me with sweet puffs of over five hundred chemicals, most of which cause some disease or ailment. I will be able to hold out until around five o’clock (I hope) and then after that another few hours. This has been going on for twenty-six weeks, or for those interested and informed about as long as the Wee-one has been in my life.
Before he was born I new I would quit. I still have not, but I have greatly reduced the amount I smoke, going from at least a pack a day to at the most five cigarettes a day. Most days I only have one or two, but some days are more trying then others. Everyday I struggle with this demon; rolling and tumbling down the hallway of addiction. It is not that easy.
I refuse to take any kind of drug, patch or gum to aid in my overcoming nicotine. Mostly because I don't have health insurance and that stuff costs a lot of money. But also because in an age where doctors have a pill for every conceivable ailment, addiction and problem I like to thumb my nose at them and at least prove to myself that nobody needs all those drugs to feel better. I will do this on my own, at my pace and with nothing more then my will power. Which is why twenty-six weeks into my “reduced smoking plan” I am still at five or less a day but unable to take (or unwilling) that final step and quit the habit I formed many, many years ago. I have gone a day here and there without smoking, but can't get over that last speed bump.
Every time I feel the urge to have a smoke I take a series of deep breaths and tell myself all the horrible things I am doing to my body when smoking, and all the positive outcomes of quitting. Not to mention my son won’t know I smoked and therefore being in a family that doesn’t smoke will not when he grows up.
The hardest time for me is in the morning with my coffee, while having a beer and while I’m awake. Other than that it is not so bad. It is easiest for me when I am around Pixie and G-man.
One of these days I will quit. Until then I will continue to breathe deeply.