Hello? How are you? Have you been alright, through all those lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely nights?

I really have nothing to post about, I just feel like I should have something new on my site so that the few readers I have don't forget about me.


Has anyone noticed my new Avatar? Thanks Pixie, for hooking me up. For so long I have had to alter my photographs by superimposing a human head onto my shoulders for fear that people would reject me for having a monkey cranium. No more will I hide in fear of my grotesquely misshapen noggin'. I am beautiful, James Blunt even said so.


In other news, my son likes to click his tongue like a diabetic squirrel hopped up on cough medicine. It really is quite amusing.

I have no idea what the preceding statement is supposed to mean, it sounded funny in my head.


Uhhmmm, can anybody think of something I should post about? Send me your suggestions and I will process them the next time I feel like it. Until then, have a holly jolly mid-week.

Oh by the way, check out this awesome website I found, you are going to love it!

Turkeys hiding in trees

Little known fact: I can speak turkey. Well really it is a form of Jive Turkey.

Gobblizzo my Nizzo.

Alright I can't really speak turkey. But I do like to eat turkey. Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I am excited. It is my first Thanksgiving as a father. From now on, I am the one who carves the turkey. Unfortunately we are having a Turkey Tenderloin. I didn't know they had tenderloins. Maybe if I spoke their language they could have told me. All the same, I'm going to carve it as if it were a real bird. Mmmm, turkey.

I love food, especially at Thanksgiving. I think my favorite thanksgiving food is pumpkin pie, with lots of whipped cream on top. It's amazing that I am not three hundred pounds. I bet Pixie would love that.

Boy, I am kinda rambling here. I was going to talk about the Native Americans, the pilgrims and the genocide of an entire nation, but I didn't want to offend any Christians out there.

Instead let's talk turkey facts.

Turkeys are not from Turkey as one might suspect. The modern "American" turkey that we all love and enjoy the fourth Thursday of every November is actually from northern Mexico.
Make sure your turkey has a green card.

Turkeys are practical jokers by nature. Their favorite trick is to sneak up on unsuspecting victims and slice their Achilles tendon. Not funny turkeys. Not funny.

I once had a pet turkey, his name was Gravy. I couldn't bear to eat him so I begged Mr. Lincoln to pardon him and then put him in the Turkey Protection Program. That is the true story behind the Presidential Pardoning of Turkey's.

Turkeys love to sleep around. Male Turkeys are called "Toms" or "Pimps". Female Turkeys are called "Hens", "Bitches", or sometimes "Ho's".

Turkeys can and do have heart attacks. Farmers would be wise to feed them cheerios to help lower their cholesterol.

It only takes fifteen months for a turkey to be considered mature. I'm 28 years old and still waiting.

For more fun turkey facts visit the Turkey Zealots of North America, or "Gobblers" as they like to be referred to.

I hope everyone has a great day of Thanks. I would like to end this blog transmission by saying what I am thankful for. I am thankful for my family, boobs, spatulas, origami, guitars, cheese (even the processed kind TF), Industrialization in the eighteenth century, florescent light bulbs, Macintosh computers, Sandra Boynton books, toenail clippers, outer space, inner light, toilet paper, music, the color blue and the letter H.

Gobble-dee-goo.

Over.

Another cheesy post

As any one who knows Pixie and I will tell you, she is the culinary expert of our dynamic duo. She has made over 2,500 meals in our eight years together, all of them good. Well all except one, and that wasn't her fault. That Chicken doesn't count because after she had cooked it we discovered a large tumor-like growth inside. It was gross enough send us to Taco Bell for dinner. That was Krogers fault. We have since forgiven them, since they have the best deals on food in town...and they are only three minutes from our house.

Anyway my point is that I can easily make mindless foods like toast, toast with butter, toast with butter and apple butter (one of my favorite dishes), cold cereal, and instant mashed potatoes. There are very few actual dishes that I have perfected to the point of being edible. One of them is my famous grilled cheese sandwiches.

Over the years I have refined this seemingly unassuming sandwich that at first thought seems so, so bland, but once sampled engorges the taste buds with a euphoric medley of vegetable oil based spreads known as bargain cheeses. My combination of opposing cheese textures, scientifically tested butter to bread ratio, total cook time, and bread selection make this grilled cheese the ultimate in palatable pasteurized pleasure.
And today is your lucky day. I will open the vault within my steely mind and share my secret recipe with you. You can thank me later.


Step 1: Get a loaf of whole grain bread.


Step 1a: Get four pieces of bread out of the bag.

Helpful hint: Extricate the twisty tie to remove the slices of bread. It saves a lot of time in finding a new bag to put the bread in after you have destroyed the original.


Step 2:
Gather your cheeses. My recipe calls for at least three basic kinds of cheese. You may use more then three, but never less. These three basic quasi-cheeses must appear in order to claim this as an authentic JQ grilled cheese sandwich. Those quasi-cheeses are as follows:

Cream Cheese

Sharp Cheddar

American Cheese

They don't have to necessarily be Kroger brand either but I'm looking for endorsements. Also, for some reason the cheaper the product the better the sandwich tastes.

I love the taste of a good deal.

Step 3: Butter the bread and begin the cheesing process. I like to butter two slices and place them, butter-side down, on a non-stick pan. I know there is some controversy over which side of the bread to butter, but I always butter the top. It's just easier.

Step 3a: I use the remaining, unbuttered, slices as a stage for the cheese assembly. American cheese goes first.

Step 3b: Spread the Cream cheese on the American cheese. It is much easier to spread the Cream cheese on the American cheese than on the bread. Trust me.


Step 3c: After the Cream cheese is spread evenly, transfer the cheese assemblage to the bread on the pan. Then add the sharp cheddar. Enough to cover the existing pile of cheesy goodness.

Step 3d: Add a final slice of American cheese. This helps form a cheese pocket when cooked, preventing nasty cheese spillage.

Step 3e: Butter the last piece of bread and apply to the top of the sandwich.


Step 4: Cook over low heat until bread is golden brown on both sides.

Step 5: Plate the sandwich on a paper plate supported by a wicker paper plate basket. This enhances the frugal ambiance established by the cheese selection.

Step 6: Enjoy the tastiest grilled cheese sandwich you have ever made.

I also made some Tabouli several days earlier. The juxtaposing flavors of the sandwich and the salad were exquisite.

Doesn't that look tasty?

So the next time you throw a dinner party you can wow your guests with this amazingly delicious entree. Just make sure you give me credit. I know people who know people who know your friends and they'll tell me. Let's just say I won't be happy and it would be a real shame if you were to find your bread covered in mold.

Hey it happens.

It is too early to think of a title, do it yourself.

It has been a long week for me. I have been working diligently on my novel, trying to stay up with my 1667 words a day. Unfortunately, I took Thursday off from writing to spend time with my pillow (in a purely platonic way…this time). I took Friday and Saturday off as well. Last count I am over five thousand words behind. The only chance I get to really write is after everyone else goes to bed. Usually by that time I am exhausted. Playing with G-man, baby-sitting Pixie, being lazy, it’s all very hard work and I have just been a little overwhelmed by it all. But I won’t give up. I will catch back up and finish what I started. I just need to find the time and motivation to get moving on this project.
I think the stress of wrapping up the season with my company is starting to get to me as well. I have worked for the same small company for, well, all of my twenties. The job isn’t spectacular and I often feel like I am slowly dying inside and wasting my life working for them, but the pay is steady, so why leave? The really nice thing about this job is the fact that I am a landscaper who makes salary. This means that in the winter I can stay home and still collect my pay. Of course, I have to plow every odd time it snows, including Christmas morning. Anyway, the stress of trying of find a new job is creeping over me, and I am handling this situation like I do all other stressful situations, ignoring it. I should have been looking for a new job for a month now, but instead have decided to start a blog, write a novel and spend money that I really shouldn’t.
The stress doesn’t care what I do it will find it’s way to me. Last week I was getting these dizzy spells. Every time I would stand up too fast, or move my head too quickly from side to side I would lose my balance, my vision would blur and I would have to sit down. I handle physical ailments like I handle stress, by ignoring it. Like the time My Brother and I were getting passport photos taken and I had a lump the size of an Osage orange in my throat from an infection. Yeah, I waited for it to go away. It eventually did. I think my balance problem could have been stress, but was more likely an inner ear infection, or a brain tumor. Either way I feel fine now. Once again my ‘wait and see’ philosophy worked. I have not been to see a doctor since I was eighteen, and I hardly ever get sick. Coincidence? Besides, doesn’t everyone have big lumps their armpits?
I know every thing will work out fine, it always does. Until then, I will continue to freak out.


On a more upbeat note, my son has achieved several milestones this week. First he stood up all on his own, like a big boy. Pixie got to cover this since I took our trip to Maumee Bay, so go check out my son standing over at her Temple. I got so excited when I first saw him do it I think I farted a little. Okay, I fart all the time no big deal. But I still was excited. Now I have to learn to put the crib railing back up so he doesn’t fall out for a fifth time.
Second, he got his first tooth! Look out baby biscuits here we come! We have been expecting this tooth for a long time. We thought he was cutting teeth at four months old. Turns out we were just new parents.
I can’t believe how fast he is growing up. Before you know it I will be taking him to see whatever popular and annoying kid show they have at the local convention center. Disney on ice, or Rent or whatever the kids like now a days. I can’t wait.

Okay, back to the novel.

I've got blisters on me fingers...

It's Sunday, November 4, 10:24 p.m.

I have approximately 5078 words of my novel done so far.

I only need 2000 more words before I can go to bed.

I should achieve my goal by the time I have to get up and go to work.

The writing is coming easier than I thought.

The story however is not so good.

My question then is, can one polish a turd?

I sure hope so.

What was I thinking?

Today I start the first of thirty grueling days of typing a novel. That's right I decided to be a participant in the NaNoWriMo. 50,000 words in thirty days? No problem. I just wish I would of thought of something to write about before I started.

50,000 words is only 1667 a day and when you break it down like that it doesn't seem so bad.

I know I can make it. If not, hey at least I tried. I was going to try and do the NaBloPoMo as well but decided that would be insane. Maybe next year. Pixie, however, will be joining the ranks of post-everyday bloggers so be sure to check out her site. I know she will have some interesting topics to discuss.

Also, happy All Saints day! This is the day when you dress up like your favorite saint and go door to door saying "Martyr or Barter". If the person chooses martyr then you have to perform a miracle, then let them stone you to death. If they say barter, well, then pick your favorite item in their living room and begin the timeless tradition of haggling over what you'll trade them for the said item. And remember, if their porch light isn't on don't bother knocking.

This was always my favorite holiday when I was a child. I was always Saint Winnoc, the patron saint of whooping cough. Who's your favorite saint?