Not a lot of exciting news to report on this end. I finished the Harry Potter series last Saturday and am currently half-way through "Animal Farm". I should have finished the book already, but I don't feel like reading right now. In fact, I don't feel like doing much of anything.
The job search is not going so good. Either I am under-qualified, or lacking the experience, or unwilling to take the job. I got an offer from a distant family member to work in a metal plating facility. It's not what I want to do with my life. The money is equal to what I am making right now (peanuts) but the job is highly unfavorable. I would run an automated line that dips various metal objects in a series of giant vats of cleaning solutions and finally in liquid aluminum, Teflon, or whatever else. Among the chemicals used in the process are cyanide and other lethal agents. The factory stunk and was loud. Yeah, no thanks.
I have found one job to apply to since then; that was over a week and a half ago and I still haven't heard from them, which is a little odd because I have plenty of experience and seem to be an ideal candidate for the job. Oh well.
It's impossible to do what I really want and make money at it. Playing music and writing actually involves doing these things and marketing my skills. One, when I do find a few minutes to actually achieve any writing or recording I am too depressed to write or play. It's hard for me to make the time because I feel that if I don't spend every waking minute with G-man I am being a neglectful father or that I am sticking the burden of raising him solely on Pixie. Two, I am not, nor have I ever been, the kind of person to market myself, which is kind of important in achieving the things I want to do. I am not anti-social but I have zero confidence and almost no self-esteem, so who would want to listen to or read my crap?
So I can't do what I want — which depresses me — and I have to work I job I don't care for (more like can't stand) anymore to pay the bills— which compounds the depression.
I am not having a good time and am finding myself struggling to not become depressed and drink and smoke heavily. I am becoming increasingly irritable which makes me feel like shit because I lash out at people who don't deserve to be treated poorly.
Meanwhile it seems that everyone around me is doing great; getting promotions, raises, bonuses, so on and so forth. I am happy for them but am asking "When is it going to be my turn to have something good (financially or job-related) happen?" I know I am blessed with a great son and wonderful wife, but why can't I find a good job doing something that I love? 'When lord, when's gonna be my time?'
Fuck. I feel so flustered, I don't even know what to complain about. Enough of my whining though, who wants to read that shit? I certainly don't want to write it, but I have to have some outlet, right?
The last thing I want is a bunch of people telling me to stay positive and all that jazz. I don't want your sympathy. How about finding me a job.
Did I mention G-man took a small unassisted step the other day? He is amazing! I have mixed emotions about this event. On one hand I think it's great that he will be walking soon. It's so exciting to watch him grow; discovering his surroundings and new abilities everyday. On the other hand I am not ready for him to grow up, nor is the house completely child-proof. Time to go the the hardware store, get some deer fencing and build him a cage.
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29 comments:
Awwwww Hon, I am sorry you are feeling like that. I am sure though that life will take a turn for the better on job front and such! SURE!
And Wooohoo on the G-man!!!
And DutchyHugz from here! Muah!
I have been there, it just sucks having to work for a living. I too have no self esteem so I know kinda what that depression feels like. I have been pretty depressed lately myself but blogging does help me get through. And I like reading you, I even like the whining LOL I really do. It makes me feel I am not the only one.
My son has been walking for years now, I just wish he would CALL his mother sometimes!
I'm the poster boy of low self esteem. And I think all jobs suck. I'm stuck in a job that I don't hate, but I hate the fact that they require me to do the work of a senior member of our department but won't promote me past an entry level position. I'm topped out on salary for someone in my pay grade. Fuckers.
Ahhh...the therapeutic effects of blogging. I hope this helped.
Love you. Every bit of you.
I know what you are saying. I would desperately to make a living from my writing, but it's really slow going because of real life.
It's that life of quiet desperation that so many of us lead.
Hang in there, buddy.
Dutchy- I suppose everything will be alright.
G-man is amazing.
Mel- I don't mind working— I have been working since I was fourteen— I just want to do something I love, not something I have to do just to pay the bills.
Nobody- Fuckers. It's because your white I am sure.
Pixie- I guess so, it still hasn't found me a job though.
I love you too.
Fab- I somehow always manage, though I am having a hard time with the quiet part anymore.
Oh I wish I had some wonderful bit of advice for you... but all I can say is... Yep, I know how ya feel.
Just remember you have an amazing Pixie and a beautiful little G-man and that's more than a lot of people have. The work will come.
Sorry your feeling so damn low right now. And your right the last thing you want is someone to say" cheer up, thing could be worse" because you then want to respond "Listen here fucker unless you have been in my shoes and know how the hell I feel right now, you dont know a damn thing about things getting worse, just shut the fuck up!"
Sorry about that, just speaking from personal expierence.
I understand the whole depression thing and trust me I have never meet another person with lower self-esteem then what I have. In time all will pass, but me and you buddy for now we sre stuck in the waiting room.
Maybe I should try blogging about my personal feelings but still, I too scared, because people do know who I am. And well I'm pretty fucked up in the head. I might scare them away. LOL!!
Fig- I am unbelievably blessed to have Pixie and G-man in my life. They keep me hanging on.
Silicone Alley- We are all a little fucked up...."I know a life of crime has led me to this sorry fate, and yet, I blame society. Society made me what I am".
-Repo Man 1984
Cheer. The fuck. Up. You just have to be patient, grasshopper, and good things will come. I got a job, but I'm not sure if the actual job will be awesome or not. The conditions are favorable, but maybe not the actual work. Oh, well. Just keep applying to do things you love. You can actually do jobs writing, just not writing fiction. One of my responsibilities will be to edit outgoing corporate communications. Fun! Just try to be a sunny-side type of guy. It sounds gay, and it kind of is, but it helps. It helped me through some recent shit. Chin up!
Oh, also, just try to be cognizant about taking it out on the family by being grouchy. I got in that rut, but I tried to apologize right away, which makes everyone feel better when it happens.
TF- I usually am pretty cheery and I have no problem apologizing when I make a mistake. I will find something eventually....until then I need to refocus on my career goals and just keep creating.
When the right thing comes along, it will happen. I hope it happens soon!
Fantastagirl— Me too!
I'm in the same boat your in, regarding my job situation. I hate my job, I may get laid off soon, and I just find myself not really caring.
And I certainly wouldn't want to be working with dangerous chemicals!
I also would like to write, and have the same issues with putting my writing out there. That's why my writing is on a blog with an made up name that no one but me knows the address to, not even my husband. ;)
Lynda- If you can smell it, it is already inside you. I firmly believe that. So inhaling cyanide everyday cannot be good for me. I asked the guy if the company offered respirators but he assured me a respirator was not needed. This is the same guy who, according to his doctor, has maybe ten years left to live. Nice huh?
So far as the writing: among my many faults, I have a fear of failure (Atychiphobia- thank you Lucy) which I think prevents me from even attempting to write things I think about. I have a great idea (so I think) and as I run it through my head I think: "That's the stupidest idea....no one will like it, you frickin' loser". Of course once in a while I push one through and half the time it ends up crap, but the other half it's pretty good.
See, I need more confidence and self-esteem.
Little Brother - being employed in the mental health field, I, of course, encourage you to take good care of yourself. The writing, if you can get yourself to do it, can be extremely therapeutic.
The job hunt may be TOTALLY sucky - but part of the problem is that you live in Armpit, Ohio. There are no jobs here right now,or many places for that fact.
Have you considered maybe just conintuing your education, to achieve a BA, and therefore, may be more marketable?
Plenty of people, including young married couples, live on student loans while purusing their dream of working a job they can at least stand until it's time to retire. By then, your student loans should be paid off!
Last, but not least, I think you are an extremely intelligent, creative, person, with a kick ass work ethic. You are also a supreme father and husband.
As the friends of Bob say, "this too, shall pass."
Much, much love,
Big Sister
Make a safe spot for yourself and just write.
I know I have churned out some crappy stories. (Most of them, I would guess!)
However, it is easier said than done. Lately, I haven't written some of my "great" ideas either. :(
Amb- Yes, the job search sucks sweaty armpits. There is shit out there. You have to have experience and a degree for any job you apply for. My question is how the hell can you get experience in that particular field if no one will hire you because you have no experience. Are people just born with experience? What kind of bullshit, catch 22 is that?
Lynda- C'mon I'm sure your stories are good.
That's another problem: making the time to write or play, especially with a kid.
nostrils up.
Get a job working for a government agency. I've heard they'll hire anyone. Hell, I've seen them do it!
Or go get that degree. I would go get a BSEE if I could. My job provides our health insurance along with 70% of our income, so I don't feel like that's really an option for me. Plus, I'm a shitty student so I would just flunk out anyway.
Fig- Aye Aye!
Nobody- What are you saying, that I am anyone?
If I went back to school, how would I pay the mortgage?
WOW, you must be really feeling down. No new post in 5 days. Come on give us something.
I have been meaning to comment on this blog for days now but I haven't. Sorry. I can relate with this blog entry so much and well, I am kind of glad (for lack of a better word) that you are in the same boat as me.
I am also a singer and artistic person. I WISH I could be singing as a job, or even working behind the scenes. I am not going to say the second job won't ever happen because I am actually looking into going back to school for arts administration. But I do miss performing.
With out telling you my WHOLE history, I was really into singing and theater from 96 when I graduated until 00 when I decided that moving in with my then boyfriend was a better idea then following my dreams. Long and depressing story short; things happened between us that changed my life and my self esteem forever. I have never been able to really recover from the events of 00-01. I have been in therapy for it and have had many nights of talking with my mom and Nestor about "how to feel alive again and how to start to do what I want to do". Talk about depressing.... JQ, I know all about it.
I share this very personal thing with you because I deal with it every day. I feel like I am living a life I don't want. I work at a corporate place doing things I am not passionate about. I am the team leader of the file and mail room in the underwriting department of an auto insurance company. Could it get any more boring? Maybe if I lick stamps all day for a job or maybe cut toe nails for a living? Hmmmm?
I decided that this year is going to be big year for me. I am turning 30 and I DO NOT want to continue setteling for less. I have some big plans coming up that I will share with all of the blogges if and when I know all of the details. Let's just say a big move and college is in my future.
Like everyone has said, stay positive and more important, stick to your guns. If you can't market yourself, how about finding someone to help you? I would say, in the meantime, get a job so you can make some dough but don't give up your dream. There is a book called, "What color is my parachute" and it is all about this very topic. There are a few editions out now.
Good luck with everything. Maybe one day we can start a band and be rich, famous and emotionally fullfilled? :)
Silicone Alley- I'm okay, just haven't found any time to post. Looking for a job takes precedence over blogging. Don't worry, I'll be back soon.
Naynayfazz- I am grateful to be able to produce an income, but yes, I always have felt that I should be doing something really important with my life- changing the world and so forth, not grounds maintenance.I know raising a child is muy importante, but before that and even now I feel like my calling is evading me, like my talents and purpose are being squandered because I am too afraid or unsure or whatever.
I too turn thirty this year. 30; without a career; living paycheck to paycheck; tired of working menial jobs. This year I am going to begin that journey I should have started many years ago. I just need to stay positive and work hard.
It's our year baby!
It is totally our year!
Like I told Pixie yesterday, I wish we lived closer. I think we three would get along wonderfully. We are a lot alike and I would love to meet the little one. :)
Naynayfazz- Totally. It's funny, I was just telling Pixie that we have more friends online than we do in real life. Kinda sad.
I hope the job comes soon, even though I say I hate working, I really don't . But it is way more difficult for me when my health issues....BUT I need to work to keep my insurance for said Health issues LOL.
Believe it or not I was told more that once that I was overqualified for a position because of my degree!!
I'm very happy that you have a wonderful wife and son, I felt very bad for you untill you said that. It's not completely true, but to some extent I believe John Lennon's "love is all you need motto." I personally am a lonely bastard, and though I am set up for a great job this summer, I would much rather get a girlfriend.
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